Home From the Holidays

What is it about returning home that makes us go dizzy with that bizarre combination of memories and ‘what if’s’ ?? And where is home really? I mean, I guess I’ll always think of Wisconsin as home because I grew up there, but once I’m there I refer to San Francisco as home.

I guess “home” is really the destination, not the starting point.

This was the first trip back that I didn’t just drive around and visit all my old haunts. Most of them have changed enough that they no longer resemble the places I once loved, which makes me sad in a way - because life moves on no matter what. Even if you think you are holding everything still under glass in your head, its actually moving on without you. Even the city itself has changed enough that there are parts of it I just don’t recognize anymore, and I’ve been away long enough now that I really have to stop and think about driving directions and where things are at all. Of course I come back here and I barely know my way around anyway, so it makes one feel sort of …. homeless - I guess. You really never can go home, because when you get there, it just doesn’t feel like home anymore.

I did a lot of listening while I was away on my holiday break- I would have to say my favorite song right now is “Mess” by Ben Folds’ Five off of “The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner” album. I do admit I have a bit of a music-crush on the fab Mr. Ben. (who couldn’t really?) I’m waiting patiently for him to meander back this way so I can see him live again. (Hi Ben! Invite me to go on tour with you!!) My favorite lyric in that song has to be “And I don’t believe in God, so I can’t be saved”

Brilliant!!!

If it wasn’t raining I would go to the beach and shake off the snow. But maybe instead I’ll just go eat some sushi, split a hot sake and call it a night. The New Year approaches, and God only knows what’s going to happen…..

Finally!

Today- December 13^th 2004 at 4:35pm I mailed in my CD and graphics to the duplicating company. It is done. Done- World? Do you hear me? It’s DONE!! It has taken 13 months, a part time job, several hundred gallons of gas, numerous tickets for Muni and Bart- thousands of tears and heartaches and frustrations- headaches and blisters and internal screaming fits to get this thing all together. And after I had done my final listen today- after I had proofread the order forms, double and triple checked the check lists, I set it all in a stack to take it over to Fed Ex, and sitting there- it looked so small. Just a stack of paper really- and some disks. Weighed less than a pound.

And I couldn’t help but think- how is it possible that something so small- something not even alive-has been my focus, my drive, my passion for over a year. A year of my life sitting in a tiny little pile at the foot of the bed waiting to go to Fed Ex. Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to cry. A very large part of me wanted to just sit there and look at it for at least two days and contemplate life, the universe and everything as I am prone to do- but Fed Ex has cut off times, and there were deadlines at stake.

I almost expected fanfare as I left the FedEx store- of course there wasn’t any. Just the normal sounds of the city. It actually made me look at people differently. As I looked at the man on the corner I couldn’t help but think- is this a good day, or a bad day for you? Was today a day that changed your life? Would you even tell me if I asked? And as I walked back to the car I realized how anti-climatic it had been. How I was so overcome with emotion there were tears in my eyes, yet the woman behind the counter had only said “Thank you- here’s your receipt.”