Beginning of the End

It's been an odd journey for the last week - my body has been reacting in ways I was not expecting.

With the addition of my new partner at the day job and my unwillingness to book anything new to my schedule I have suddenly found a reasonable amount of work on my plate (as opposed to the endless overflowing disaster) and with it - an acute awareness of how exhausted I am.

Five months of non-stop work during which I did the jobs of four people from 9-6, then went off to rock opera rehearsals from 6:30-11, recorded every weekend, worked as a sub for a resident building manager, went to therapy, started performing the rock opera, met a boy, started falling for him, started writing another album...

Oh - and experiencing a Spiritual Emergence. We can't forget that. (Funny that I'm so used to it now that I do sometimes...)

I'm tired. 5 months of exhaustion is running out of me like water. And in this weakened state I'm actually better equipped to just let the changes of my SE take me instead of fighting them tooth and nail.

This is the beginning of the end... the rebirth. I can tell because I feel like I'm in a deep state of mourning. I can tell because all of my circumstances have aligned themselves perfectly to help me through this. My body is to tired to fight - I am surrounded by people who love me - the issues that are at the forefront of my mind are the "big ones".

My relationship with God.
My life's calling.
The person I am - instead of the person I'm pretending to be

You know - the really superficial stuff. (ha ha ha ha .... *sigh*)

I had coffee with a wonderful old friend on Friday, who is going through a journey of his own. The universe constantly ending him up in the same situation over and over again until he learns the lesson.

I know that feeling all too well - I think we all do.

And I told him what I always tell myself - the During is going to suck, but the Afterwards is worth it. And you only need to take that journey once. Once you've done it, it's done. On to the next journey.

And I reflected on some Tennyson:

- you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil.
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks;
The long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends.
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's to the beginning of the end. And to everyone out there - we're all on journeys, and there's no reason for us to feel alone.

Let's travel together.