It's all coming together...

Image.

Image is, to me, a cruel word. I'm referring specifically to definition number 8

Here:

im⋅age

  noun, verb, -aged, -ag⋅ing. –noun

8. the general or public perception of a company, public figure, etc., esp. as achieved by careful calculation aimed at creating widespread goodwill.

All is well and good unless you get so preoccupied by the image that you stop being true to the driving force behind it.

That's what I did. I got so caught up in what "genre" I fit in. I got caught up in what did and didn't "sound" like me. I knew I didn't really fit into any of these pre-existing labels, so I tried to force myself. In short- I got so caught up in the marketing, that the music suffered. It's one of those well-duh-the-light-just-went-on type of moments. One where I suddenly realized - you don't have to edit your art to fit into an image. That there is really no reason for me to be consistent if what comes out of me is not consistent.

And NOTHING that comes out of me is consistent. Ever. Or, rarely anyway.

Putting together the song list for Head of Revelations - my first album - (which I call the Blue Album) took the work of about three people. Because my writing is so SO eclectic it seemed impossible to me to put together a work that was comprehensive. We really had to stretch to do so.

My second album- which is currently on hold until I figure out how I feel about it - is way more rock music - almost all the tunes are upbeat and are recorded with a full band. All the recording is done. It needs final engineering and mastering and it would be finished. Due to my big "metamorphosis" that I'm going through right now, I'm not even sure I want to release it or just scrap the whole thing.

It is a whole year's worth of work though. I dunno - I'm still working that one out.

I digress.

Image. I'm not going to worry about that anymore. I release it to the universe... I don't have to choose between folk OR rock OR country OR jazz OR Broadway OR classical... I am all of them. I don't have to look wholesome OR sexy, OR comical, OR elegant because I am all of them. I don't always have to play with a full band. I don't always have to play solo. I don't always have to play an instrument - or play the same instrument. I don't always have to write words to my songs. I don't always have to write music. I can dress in concert black and play punk music if that's what feels right. And the next night I can look like a hippie and perform a classical flute sonata.

I am all of these things.

Why limit myself??

Geeze- I'm all giddy now. The sky is the limit....

The Continuing Saga...a.k.a. "Why I Don't Take Acid" by: Kat Downs

This morning again I was unable to wake up - but in a different way.

I was still dreaming. My eyes were open. I was responding to SAS talking to me - but I was still dreaming. If I closed my eyes there it was - as plain as a painting on the wall. One dream after another after another after another. As if I'm literally up and walking around in a constant state of R.E.M.

It's now 2:30 in the afternoon and it's still happening. I am up, talking, typing, answering the phone, answering questions, discussing and even teaching (intern) while I'm dreaming the whole time. I am disassociated and sleepy, but functioning.

I am actually living two separate realities simultaneously. (and I'm not on drugs)

This is the first time that I have EVER had to call my therapist outside of a session.

And I quote: "You are not having a psychotic break."

Were there ever more beautiful words expressed in the English language? I practically cried from relief.

She went on to explain that what I'm experiencing is the spontaneous opening of my 6th Chakra. Meaning, my third eye just opened and is blinking happily in the light of day.

I have never really paid attention to weather or not my chakras were opening in order or not- I guess in retrospect they are. Which means that after I grow accustomed to this new state of mind, there's only one chakra left....

And that's the big one.

Man, Steve's been busy this week.

The Girl: Divided

I woke this morning early and then laid there.


Just laid their staring in one direction thinking very little. "Katatonic" one might say (ha ha ha).

And I couldn't move. The alarm went off again and again - and I just laid there staring straight ahead. Nothing could make me move. I didn't care if I was late - I didn't care if I got the evil eye at work. I just - couldn't - move.

But I was also watching myself do this. Simultaneously.

I find this division of consciousness fascinating. While one part of me lays their catatonic, the other part of me notices that this is a unique situation. That part of me sits back and watches - what's going to happen next? It analyzes this portion of me that's evolving the way I imagine a nature photographer might follow a subject. Watching- recording - but never interrupting.

What is she doing now?
Why is she doing it?
What is she going to do next?

Was I always able to do this and not aware of it, or is this a new level of consciousness for me?

It's an odd head space to be in. I feel like more than one - the part of me that gets up and goes through my routines and smiles, shakes hands, and acts human all day - and the other part of me that twitches, and cries, and speaks gibberish. That part of me is unpredictable - and therefore, in my mind, dangerous.

I haven't really talked about this until now because I was worried that people might treat me strangely, or think I was unreliable or .... who even knows what I thought. I don't care anymore (see yesterdays post)

I keep telling my therapist and everyone else that I'm completely psychotic, and they all keep telling me that I'm not. Especially my therapist.

Every day an adventure, i guess.

Perspective

Things they are-a-changing.

My kundalini symptoms have been out of control for the last few days. I'm experiencing temperature fluctuations, earthquakes, tremors, nausea, and "buzzing" which is what I call the sensation of WAY too much energy racing around my body - like being electrocuted mixed with a panic attack.

Special.

The metaphorical snake that's crawling up my spine is alive and well (I've named him Steve)- he's happily chewing his way through my chakras and thusly forcing me to face all of my inner demons face first.

Needless to say- I'm a bit fragile.

Number one thing I'm noticing this time around (this is year three of this madness) is that I'm actually conscious of my change of perspective. I am conscious that it's evolving - that I'm in the middle of it- that my full perspective isn't in focus yet.

I'm actually WATCHING it evolve.

One thing that already is coming into focus is the release of The Should's.

I *should* clean my house
I *should* be more organized
I *should* exercise more
I *should* be recording more
I *should* sound more like other people
I *should*
I *should*
I *should*....

I've been pretty good for the past bit at letting go of some of The Should's - but it was conscious and reluctant. It was a struggle to let them go and rise above.

Now I WANT to let them go.

It's as if I've gotten to a point where I just stopped caring. For example - here I am in swirly kundalini land- the earth is buckling beneath me, so nauseous that I have to pick my sandwich apart to only eat the bread, energy raging so intensely that I actually feel manic - suddenly my brain says "You SHOULD re-organize your entire song list alphabetically."

Fuck you. No.

Then the part of my brain that is still sane says "WHAT? Did you just say no? You've never done THAT before!" and does a little dance.

There it is - personal growth. Right before my very eyes. Fascinating.

I'm also aware that I'm in a destructive mode - everything is breaking down or away and I'm glad to see it go. I'm curious to see what will come out of the ashes. I'm curious to see what's going to come out of me - if anything will come out of me - or if the music will die entirely and I'll find some other release. Part of me thinks it would be fascinating to finish up this entire process only to discover that I'm actually exactly who my family told me I was all along.

But I doubt it.