Perspective

Things they are-a-changing.

My kundalini symptoms have been out of control for the last few days. I'm experiencing temperature fluctuations, earthquakes, tremors, nausea, and "buzzing" which is what I call the sensation of WAY too much energy racing around my body - like being electrocuted mixed with a panic attack.

Special.

The metaphorical snake that's crawling up my spine is alive and well (I've named him Steve)- he's happily chewing his way through my chakras and thusly forcing me to face all of my inner demons face first.

Needless to say- I'm a bit fragile.

Number one thing I'm noticing this time around (this is year three of this madness) is that I'm actually conscious of my change of perspective. I am conscious that it's evolving - that I'm in the middle of it- that my full perspective isn't in focus yet.

I'm actually WATCHING it evolve.

One thing that already is coming into focus is the release of The Should's.

I *should* clean my house
I *should* be more organized
I *should* exercise more
I *should* be recording more
I *should* sound more like other people
I *should*
I *should*
I *should*....

I've been pretty good for the past bit at letting go of some of The Should's - but it was conscious and reluctant. It was a struggle to let them go and rise above.

Now I WANT to let them go.

It's as if I've gotten to a point where I just stopped caring. For example - here I am in swirly kundalini land- the earth is buckling beneath me, so nauseous that I have to pick my sandwich apart to only eat the bread, energy raging so intensely that I actually feel manic - suddenly my brain says "You SHOULD re-organize your entire song list alphabetically."

Fuck you. No.

Then the part of my brain that is still sane says "WHAT? Did you just say no? You've never done THAT before!" and does a little dance.

There it is - personal growth. Right before my very eyes. Fascinating.

I'm also aware that I'm in a destructive mode - everything is breaking down or away and I'm glad to see it go. I'm curious to see what will come out of the ashes. I'm curious to see what's going to come out of me - if anything will come out of me - or if the music will die entirely and I'll find some other release. Part of me thinks it would be fascinating to finish up this entire process only to discover that I'm actually exactly who my family told me I was all along.

But I doubt it.