Waiting for Art to Heal

This year (of our Lord) 2006 is already shaping up to be a doozy.

And it's only February. dang.

Which makes me think of this joke my producer told me while we were working on my album:

Bill: "Here's a joke for you. How do you make God laugh?"
Me: "I don't know, Bill. How DO you make God laugh?"
B: "Tell him your plans."

At the time I just sort of chuckled and chalked it up to Bill's sometimes-odd sense of humor.

Now, I think he's brilliant. Now, I realize how completely accurate it actually is.

Now, in fact, that is exactly what is happening to me.

I PLANNED to quit my day job at the end of March
I PLANNED to do music full time and see what I could do with it

Hell, as long as I'm going off on this, lets back it up -

I PLANNED to lead an average life being a housewife and raising children
I PLANNED to live in Wisconsin my whole life
I PLANNED to be a teacher
I PLANNED to find a boy get married and live happily ever after

and you know what??

God Laughed.

"Nice try Kat- but that is so TOTALLY not what I have in store for you!" (cause in my head, God sounds like a girl from L.A. apparently)

Therefore, I do not have an average life. Actually, I have one of the strangest lives of anyone I know. I do not live in Wisconsin. I am not a teacher (except on rare occasions). And happy ever after doesn't exist the way you want it to. The story really does go on after the big beautiful wedding. And I can't afford to quit my day job, and I can't afford to do music full time.

And piece by piece every brick of the Wall-That-Is-My-Life is being taken down. Every safety net, every protection is being stripped away.

All all that's underneath is....

ME

And I could be bitter-but I'm not. And I could shake my fist at the sky and curse out God and the Universe- but I don't. I'm not saying I don't have bad moments or days (if you talk to me those days, I say I'm "broken". "Don't mind me, I'm broken today.") But overall I'm curious. I'm curious to see who's under all these layers- why the layers are there, and why I thought I needed them. I'm curious because if God and the Universe are going to such great lengths to make me deal with myself- then there must be something REALLY worthwhile under there.

I think what I'm trying to say, is that I LIKE making God laugh. I like the curveballs. I like that God is forcing me to know myself. I like for the first time in years I actually FEEL like praying. I FEEL like writing. And for the first time ever- I FEEL like just being myself. No matter what. Even when I'm messy. (Like now) And I can tell you kids, this year is going to be a WHOLE lot of messy.

So it was time. I went and got a new tattoo- a beautiful Morpho Butterfly. Which, to me, means about a thousand different things that I don't feel like sharing right now- but I can tell you this: The quote from the movie "A Bugs Life" has been going through my head like mad since I got it. Almost like some quiet interal mantra.

"Someday I will be a beautiful butterfly, and then everything will be better"

And so I sit in this awful awful mess,
And I wait for my art to heal.



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