The Girl: Divided

I woke this morning early and then laid there.


Just laid their staring in one direction thinking very little. "Katatonic" one might say (ha ha ha).

And I couldn't move. The alarm went off again and again - and I just laid there staring straight ahead. Nothing could make me move. I didn't care if I was late - I didn't care if I got the evil eye at work. I just - couldn't - move.

But I was also watching myself do this. Simultaneously.

I find this division of consciousness fascinating. While one part of me lays their catatonic, the other part of me notices that this is a unique situation. That part of me sits back and watches - what's going to happen next? It analyzes this portion of me that's evolving the way I imagine a nature photographer might follow a subject. Watching- recording - but never interrupting.

What is she doing now?
Why is she doing it?
What is she going to do next?

Was I always able to do this and not aware of it, or is this a new level of consciousness for me?

It's an odd head space to be in. I feel like more than one - the part of me that gets up and goes through my routines and smiles, shakes hands, and acts human all day - and the other part of me that twitches, and cries, and speaks gibberish. That part of me is unpredictable - and therefore, in my mind, dangerous.

I haven't really talked about this until now because I was worried that people might treat me strangely, or think I was unreliable or .... who even knows what I thought. I don't care anymore (see yesterdays post)

I keep telling my therapist and everyone else that I'm completely psychotic, and they all keep telling me that I'm not. Especially my therapist.

Every day an adventure, i guess.