Evolve

This whole year has been one giant experimentation for me. I've finally learned to stop editing my creativity and just let myself and my imagination go. I've investigated marketing, and how it works and what effects it has on me. I've spent hours that would add into days learning to disregard everything I've learned so far so that I can look at the world - my world - through clean un-filtered eyes.

So that I can hear what's in my head, and let it come out as is - no editing.

Seems simple. Really really not. I'm envious of the people (several of which are friends of mine) who seem to have been born never questioning whether they would be able to stand on their own. Not me! God bless 'em, my family is much more conservative and I was raised being told that I could only go so far before I would either need my family or a man to take care of me.

They meant well. I have no grudge, but that was just about the worst advice you can give to an Indigo Artist. I've been working hard to un-learn that little piece of advice (along with many others) so that I could really grow and be self-dependant. So that I wouldn't have to wait on others to get where I want to be. (Did I mention that I love my therapist?)

So - I've learned a lot. I've learned that I don't fit in one single genre. I like all of them. So I'm going to write in all of them, and play in all of them. I'm even inventing some new ones. And blending others together. And I love it. (recordings coming very soon)

I'm writing performance art pieces. I'm drawing and painting and journaling. I'm involved in theater projects. Lately I've been dressing like a girl toy soldier to play the piccolo in a rock opera inspired by Burning Man. And I love it.

I've learned that there are a lot of thing that exist in the "music industry" that I really don't like at all. I don't like the distance that most artists have from their fans. I get the seclusion thing - and I go through major bouts where I don't want to really talk to anyone as well (the cocoon before the revelation - just finished one.) ... but I'd like to think that if someone writes something that inspires me, and I want to ask them about it, that I could. In some cases you can... but rarely. I don't like that musicians are often placed on top of pillars. I don't like going to concerts in arenas. I don't like art that you feel you can look at but never touch.

And I'm still figuring it out. Still having new revelations every day. Still coming to realize a lot about the world, music, art, feelings, spirituality, love, body, earth, soul... and realizing that I can re-create, re-mix and re-organize all of these things in whatever way I need to. Some days it's tough, and it feels too big and scary, but I'm enjoying seeing the world in a way I've never seen it before.

I know it's marketing 101 to have a message, and present that message clearly. I guess I've finally figured mine out:

EVOLVE

That feels right. Has a nice ring to it... :)

The Movers, The Shakers

The times they are a'changing. Rapidly.

I'm in the middle of moving, which is never fun. Even though I'm moving from one neighborhood in San Francisco to another it's a pain. I am not a car owner, so I am dependent on public transportation, rentals, friends and my own feet.

A dear friend of mine is gifting me a bike this weekend - I'm going to become a bike rider! How exciting!

As most of you probably remember - I currently live in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. It's a "raw" and "urban" neighborhood, most commonly described as; "the worst neighborhood in San Francisco". It's filthy and noisy. The streets are almost always busy- people out and about - homeless, adicts, runaways and dealers. I quote my ex-husband: "I think the pee-smell is my favorite".

Last week just walking from my apartment to the corner store and back I saw two drug deals, a tranny hooker and her pimp arguing, a homeless man who had wet himself, and one guy flashed his junk at me.

"These are the people in my neighborhood - in my neighborhood - in my neigh -bor-hood - OH..."

That was after the huge underground explosion that erupted two blocks away.

I'm a tough chick. I think 3.5 years in The Loin has earned me my street cred - but seriously, I'm over it.

I love my apartment. I love how centrally located I am. I love the local dive bars. I love the $2 shiraz my corner store sells. (Might have to pick up a case of that before I go)

But I hate feeling under attack every time I step out of my front door. I hate being treated like an object simply because I have breasts. I hate having to wear earphones to block the sound of the comments yelled at you on the street. I hate the sadness. I hate the hopelessness of the place. I hate seeing people getting sick on the sidewalk, or going to the bathroom between cars because they have no other place to go.

"They're the people that you meet, as you're walking down the street -
They're the people that you meet-

each

DAY!"

I do realize though, why I needed to live there. When I started my life over, I really needed to start it all the way over. I needed to start at the bottom and prove to myself that I could work my way up. It's taken me a while. Quite a while, to come to grips with my past. Some days are better than others.

But I'm leaving The Loin - and I feel like I've worked hard to do exactly that. And I feel like I've earned this new life - with the merit badges to prove it.

My new neighborhood is in Noe Valley. It's clean, fresh, and safe. My place has a lovely patio surrounded by trees and jasmine vines. Birds chirp in the morning. It's quiet. My kitties have plenty of room to run around. I have a huge kitchen I already love cooking in even without all of my supplies there yet. Plants grow under all of the trees because the ammonia of too much urine doesn't kill them. People say hi to you on the street and they aren't asking for money. No one is shooting up heroin or smoking crack. I haven't seen any prostitutes.

I admit - I feel a bit out of my element, but I think I can get used to it!

Beginning of the End

It's been an odd journey for the last week - my body has been reacting in ways I was not expecting.

With the addition of my new partner at the day job and my unwillingness to book anything new to my schedule I have suddenly found a reasonable amount of work on my plate (as opposed to the endless overflowing disaster) and with it - an acute awareness of how exhausted I am.

Five months of non-stop work during which I did the jobs of four people from 9-6, then went off to rock opera rehearsals from 6:30-11, recorded every weekend, worked as a sub for a resident building manager, went to therapy, started performing the rock opera, met a boy, started falling for him, started writing another album...

Oh - and experiencing a Spiritual Emergence. We can't forget that. (Funny that I'm so used to it now that I do sometimes...)

I'm tired. 5 months of exhaustion is running out of me like water. And in this weakened state I'm actually better equipped to just let the changes of my SE take me instead of fighting them tooth and nail.

This is the beginning of the end... the rebirth. I can tell because I feel like I'm in a deep state of mourning. I can tell because all of my circumstances have aligned themselves perfectly to help me through this. My body is to tired to fight - I am surrounded by people who love me - the issues that are at the forefront of my mind are the "big ones".

My relationship with God.
My life's calling.
The person I am - instead of the person I'm pretending to be

You know - the really superficial stuff. (ha ha ha ha .... *sigh*)

I had coffee with a wonderful old friend on Friday, who is going through a journey of his own. The universe constantly ending him up in the same situation over and over again until he learns the lesson.

I know that feeling all too well - I think we all do.

And I told him what I always tell myself - the During is going to suck, but the Afterwards is worth it. And you only need to take that journey once. Once you've done it, it's done. On to the next journey.

And I reflected on some Tennyson:

- you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil.
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks;
The long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends.
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's to the beginning of the end. And to everyone out there - we're all on journeys, and there's no reason for us to feel alone.

Let's travel together.

It's all coming together...

Image.

Image is, to me, a cruel word. I'm referring specifically to definition number 8

Here:

im⋅age

  noun, verb, -aged, -ag⋅ing. –noun

8. the general or public perception of a company, public figure, etc., esp. as achieved by careful calculation aimed at creating widespread goodwill.

All is well and good unless you get so preoccupied by the image that you stop being true to the driving force behind it.

That's what I did. I got so caught up in what "genre" I fit in. I got caught up in what did and didn't "sound" like me. I knew I didn't really fit into any of these pre-existing labels, so I tried to force myself. In short- I got so caught up in the marketing, that the music suffered. It's one of those well-duh-the-light-just-went-on type of moments. One where I suddenly realized - you don't have to edit your art to fit into an image. That there is really no reason for me to be consistent if what comes out of me is not consistent.

And NOTHING that comes out of me is consistent. Ever. Or, rarely anyway.

Putting together the song list for Head of Revelations - my first album - (which I call the Blue Album) took the work of about three people. Because my writing is so SO eclectic it seemed impossible to me to put together a work that was comprehensive. We really had to stretch to do so.

My second album- which is currently on hold until I figure out how I feel about it - is way more rock music - almost all the tunes are upbeat and are recorded with a full band. All the recording is done. It needs final engineering and mastering and it would be finished. Due to my big "metamorphosis" that I'm going through right now, I'm not even sure I want to release it or just scrap the whole thing.

It is a whole year's worth of work though. I dunno - I'm still working that one out.

I digress.

Image. I'm not going to worry about that anymore. I release it to the universe... I don't have to choose between folk OR rock OR country OR jazz OR Broadway OR classical... I am all of them. I don't have to look wholesome OR sexy, OR comical, OR elegant because I am all of them. I don't always have to play with a full band. I don't always have to play solo. I don't always have to play an instrument - or play the same instrument. I don't always have to write words to my songs. I don't always have to write music. I can dress in concert black and play punk music if that's what feels right. And the next night I can look like a hippie and perform a classical flute sonata.

I am all of these things.

Why limit myself??

Geeze- I'm all giddy now. The sky is the limit....

The Continuing Saga...a.k.a. "Why I Don't Take Acid" by: Kat Downs

This morning again I was unable to wake up - but in a different way.

I was still dreaming. My eyes were open. I was responding to SAS talking to me - but I was still dreaming. If I closed my eyes there it was - as plain as a painting on the wall. One dream after another after another after another. As if I'm literally up and walking around in a constant state of R.E.M.

It's now 2:30 in the afternoon and it's still happening. I am up, talking, typing, answering the phone, answering questions, discussing and even teaching (intern) while I'm dreaming the whole time. I am disassociated and sleepy, but functioning.

I am actually living two separate realities simultaneously. (and I'm not on drugs)

This is the first time that I have EVER had to call my therapist outside of a session.

And I quote: "You are not having a psychotic break."

Were there ever more beautiful words expressed in the English language? I practically cried from relief.

She went on to explain that what I'm experiencing is the spontaneous opening of my 6th Chakra. Meaning, my third eye just opened and is blinking happily in the light of day.

I have never really paid attention to weather or not my chakras were opening in order or not- I guess in retrospect they are. Which means that after I grow accustomed to this new state of mind, there's only one chakra left....

And that's the big one.

Man, Steve's been busy this week.

The Girl: Divided

I woke this morning early and then laid there.


Just laid their staring in one direction thinking very little. "Katatonic" one might say (ha ha ha).

And I couldn't move. The alarm went off again and again - and I just laid there staring straight ahead. Nothing could make me move. I didn't care if I was late - I didn't care if I got the evil eye at work. I just - couldn't - move.

But I was also watching myself do this. Simultaneously.

I find this division of consciousness fascinating. While one part of me lays their catatonic, the other part of me notices that this is a unique situation. That part of me sits back and watches - what's going to happen next? It analyzes this portion of me that's evolving the way I imagine a nature photographer might follow a subject. Watching- recording - but never interrupting.

What is she doing now?
Why is she doing it?
What is she going to do next?

Was I always able to do this and not aware of it, or is this a new level of consciousness for me?

It's an odd head space to be in. I feel like more than one - the part of me that gets up and goes through my routines and smiles, shakes hands, and acts human all day - and the other part of me that twitches, and cries, and speaks gibberish. That part of me is unpredictable - and therefore, in my mind, dangerous.

I haven't really talked about this until now because I was worried that people might treat me strangely, or think I was unreliable or .... who even knows what I thought. I don't care anymore (see yesterdays post)

I keep telling my therapist and everyone else that I'm completely psychotic, and they all keep telling me that I'm not. Especially my therapist.

Every day an adventure, i guess.

Perspective

Things they are-a-changing.

My kundalini symptoms have been out of control for the last few days. I'm experiencing temperature fluctuations, earthquakes, tremors, nausea, and "buzzing" which is what I call the sensation of WAY too much energy racing around my body - like being electrocuted mixed with a panic attack.

Special.

The metaphorical snake that's crawling up my spine is alive and well (I've named him Steve)- he's happily chewing his way through my chakras and thusly forcing me to face all of my inner demons face first.

Needless to say- I'm a bit fragile.

Number one thing I'm noticing this time around (this is year three of this madness) is that I'm actually conscious of my change of perspective. I am conscious that it's evolving - that I'm in the middle of it- that my full perspective isn't in focus yet.

I'm actually WATCHING it evolve.

One thing that already is coming into focus is the release of The Should's.

I *should* clean my house
I *should* be more organized
I *should* exercise more
I *should* be recording more
I *should* sound more like other people
I *should*
I *should*
I *should*....

I've been pretty good for the past bit at letting go of some of The Should's - but it was conscious and reluctant. It was a struggle to let them go and rise above.

Now I WANT to let them go.

It's as if I've gotten to a point where I just stopped caring. For example - here I am in swirly kundalini land- the earth is buckling beneath me, so nauseous that I have to pick my sandwich apart to only eat the bread, energy raging so intensely that I actually feel manic - suddenly my brain says "You SHOULD re-organize your entire song list alphabetically."

Fuck you. No.

Then the part of my brain that is still sane says "WHAT? Did you just say no? You've never done THAT before!" and does a little dance.

There it is - personal growth. Right before my very eyes. Fascinating.

I'm also aware that I'm in a destructive mode - everything is breaking down or away and I'm glad to see it go. I'm curious to see what will come out of the ashes. I'm curious to see what's going to come out of me - if anything will come out of me - or if the music will die entirely and I'll find some other release. Part of me thinks it would be fascinating to finish up this entire process only to discover that I'm actually exactly who my family told me I was all along.

But I doubt it.