Day 12: Life as a Blank Wall

I just got my new bio's back.

They were written by playwright Morgan Ludlow, who asked me to basically give him my entire life story. I belched it out all over the longest email ever- where I started, what I used to do, my degrees, and accomplishments... blah blah blah.

He took all that noise, and along with a few phone calls to clarify some facts, put together these amazing descriptions of me. [which i am so thankful for, because i have a very hard time writing about myself]

As I was reading it over I began to wonder: What if it all got wiped clean?

What if I could start completely over? No past.

Would I do anything differently?

And to answer honestly: Yes, I believe I would.

So many of the choices we all make on a daily basis are based in fear. Fear of failure (or failure again), fear of success, or of going into unknown territory. Is there something there that can hurt us? Is there a bad surprise in store? What if they say no? What if they say yes? What if I end up feeling like a fool?

If I had no past, those thoughts would not occur to me at all. I have those thoughts now because all of those exact things have happened to me at one time or another. I have been made a fool of, I have made enormous mistakes. I have both succeeded and failed at any number of things- and it's never easy either way. I have had scary beginnings, sad endings. I've had my heart broken a million times.

And so have you. There is nothing unique about me in that fashion at all.

And while all of those experiences do indeed help me- help me to grow, to make better choices, to avoid making the same mistake twice... they hinder me as well.

I am less likely to take a chance. I am less likely to leap without second guessing.

And the absolute worst: I am less likely to have faith.

When faith is so crucial every single day.

So how do you move around it? I guess the true answer falls right in line with the rest of life's annoying little answers- you just suck it up.

You see the past, you realize that this next choice you have to make could really suck, and you storm ahead anyway. Maybe you grit your teeth a little more than is absolutely necessary, but there it is.

Or as the old coach at West used to say: "Rub some dirt on it and get back out there!"

But it would be easier- I think, anyway- to not have that excess weighing you down. It would be easier to take that chance, that leap, and hope for the best.

Then again- perhaps if I didn't have the past I have, I wouldn't know I could take leaps at all.